The Event Horizon

There's a point when you just can't let things bother you anymore. A point when you go from being affected to becoming calloused, almost apathetic. I suppose it's a defense mechanism of sorts.
I know that's beginning to set in for me, as we near 2010. I think of how little drama I would like to deal with in 2010, and the ways I intend on avoiding it; mostly by refusing to engage.

I'm thinking of a lot of new things to take place in 2010, including some regression backward into who I once was. I feel like I lost a lot of who I've been, someone who worked hard to do what was right; someone who worked to be "morally brave." This last year, I've lied, stolen, cheated; I had started down a road that was shameful, at best. And I found reasons to justify my behavior, but I knew better. And that's something I've learned, that I need to trust my instincts; if I have to justify things to myself, I need to take a step back and analyze the situation. Like the lies I told to get out of class, including using death as a reason to get out of class. How could I? There is a reverence in death. It needs to be respected. People suffered from her death, and I exploited that. I used the reverence felt by teachers, I took advantage of it. And for what? To get out of a day's class. I'm really ashamed of that.
I'm done with these manipulative games. Living this life of seeking self-gain, it's been damaging to my soul. So I need to go back to being honorable: telling the truth, being compassionate, being reverent of life and death. I'm too old to act as selfishly as I have. I'm too old for excuses. My friends tried to just roll with it, taking a "to each his own" attitude. But they didn't really like who I was becoming. I feel embarrassed knowing that. Knowing how I'd behaved. But 2010 is a new year, and I intend to make the most of it.