Jordan is playing guitar again. She plays every night, and I show disinterest. I just keep my eyes on my computer, I type, I click. But sometimes I just wonder if she knows that I enjoy it. That I do listen. I take it all in, and I digest every word she's chosen to sing; whether it be her words or someone else's.
I wonder if she enjoys playing for me, sometimes; compared to just playing alone. I know that she would play either way, but I wonder if she likes having an audience. Because I might be a small crowd, but I'm a loyal following.
I haven't talked to Kim in a time, and I feel bad about that. I love Kim, and she's in my thoughts at many times; but out here in this no man's land, it's hard to keep up with anyone who isn't in reaching distance. I'm so often too tired to talk on the phone or exert any real emotional energy, and Kim and my relationship suffers just a bit for that.
I've been talking to Maggie at night, a lot, lately; and I find that she gives me a certain energy that I lack during the day. She helps keep me on my toes, keep me honest. I appreciate that. I appreciate someone who keeps me hyper-extended in some way: emotionally, intellectually, physically, spiritually, et cetera. Kim does that for me in many ways; keeps me thinking about things far past the point I think I can. It's a good exercise.
Maggie gives me a work-out, in the realm of wit. She's razor sharp and it takes something for me to keep up; but I love the ways I do keep up, and how entertaining it all is.
I'm find it hard to conceptualize myself, lately; which seems strange, cuz most everyone seems to know who and what they are. It might not be true, or it may be exaggerate, but everyone seems to have a concept. I don't. All I know of my life, and who I am, are the ways I live. Sometimes I feel kind of lost, when I end up comparing myself to others; they seem to know what fits into their lives and what is "them." They seem to know what kind of shoes fits their personality, while I'm left trying every pair on; and then, I'm still not sure which felt most comfortable.
Sometimes I still feel alone, and I wish that I hadn't ended my relationship with Liz; but I know that it's only because I liked having someone on-call, and not because I especially cared for her. That seems cruel, now that I've typed that out... but it's probably the most honest way of putting it. I liked having someone for the times when I got lonely, but I didn't like having to feed anyone else's emotional needs. That's the problem with a relationship. You no longer give because it's nice, because you want to; you end up giving because you feel obligated, like you have no other choice. And that's what I don't like. That's what I couldn't handle. Kindness out of law.
If I'm going to give, I want you to know it's because I want to; and if I don't want to, then I won't.
